Keep sane, if not sober

As a profession we are blessed with a broad range of experts happy to share with us their systems and protocols for running an efficient office. Many of them do so in this very publication and indeed there are times when one cannot but feel that The Journal consists largely of exhortations to organise, motivate, synergise and above all focus. Some of you may have felt that not a lot of this is terribly relevant when you practise up a close in Springburn, but in my view where it really falls down is that it fails to give us any helpful advice on how to handle the annual holly jolly, the office party. Well, somebody has to do it, so here are a few tips for surviving that lethal combination of mistletoe and wine.

Party or bonus

Don’t even think about it. Your staff expect both and any attempt to set one off against the other will result in a collective huff lasting well into the new year. It could be March before the froideur in the typing pool melts and June before you see a drinkable cup of tea.

Part funding

In these cash-strapped times this may seem a useful way of limiting the exponential growth in the costs of this annual extravaganza but you have to balance any savings against the familial consequences of returning home at 4am since it will take the cashier many many hours to allocate the drinks bill as between those who had one glass of wine, a half pint shandy or six Bacardi Breezers and a couple of pints of heavy.

In-house

Again superficially attractive, given that a round of drinks in any establishment adequate to meet the rigorous standards of the designated party planner would go some way towards the purchase of a small family car. However there is bound to come a point in the evening when someone, perhaps you, will feel obliged to demonstrate to the younger members of staff their groovy sixties dance moves with a glass of red wine in their hand. The consequences of this for sundry unexecuted dispositions, computer equipment and floor coverings could outweigh any savings.

Lunch or dinner

Lunch seems such a good idea. Get the whole thing over by 5pm and home to an astonished spouse by teatime. Not a chance, you will simply be hammered by 4pm instead of 8pm and the available drinking period between the end of the meal and the point where you decide to go clubbing with the junior staff extended to the point where the possibility of an altercation with a bouncer is increased by a factor of 10.

Behaviour protocols

There is little to be gained by developing behaviour protocols for the event itself. Any attempt to impose such protocols mid-partying will result in massed derision, accompanied by a range of language with which you are not familiar, despite your extensive criminal practice, some quite startling body language and possibly the lobbing of various items of office equipment at you, some of which could be quite heavy. However a post-event protocol is essential and I offer you mine: behave as if it never happened.