Ask Ash

Dear Ash,

I’ve taken the decision not to openly discuss my sexuality at work as I was not sure how this would be accepted in the department. I am gay but only revealed this to a couple of close colleagues. However, one of my senior colleagues in the department recently tried to speak to me about the situation during one of the nights I was working late with him. I didn’t feel comfortable speaking about the matter with him and tried telling him this, but he then began to reveal that he too had been questioning his sexuality recently. Although I would have thought that such a revelation would have helped clear the air, since that night this colleague has been quite unfriendly towards me and has tried to make my life difficult by giving me work with unrealistic deadlines for completion. I don’t understand his change in attitude and have not acted any differently towards him. I want to sort things out at work but I’m not sure whether confronting my colleague will make things worse?

Ash replies:

Sexuality is a very personal matter and despite this being the era of tolerance, there are certain issues which most people tend not to discuss at work. Indeed you should not feel compelled to justify your preferences and choices in the workplace in order to gain acceptance.

However, given the nature of your conversation with your colleague, it would seem that he may have regretted being so open with you about his sexuality. This in turn may have led him to become defensive and hostile towards you as he may now feel slightly more vulnerable after his revelation. I would try to speak calmly to him about the matter in order to clear the air. Make clear to him that anything that was said to you was said in complete confidence and that you do not want to raise the subject again or for it to affect your working relationship.

If however, he continues to act unreasonably towards you then I would suggest you raise your concerns with your line manager, on an informal basis. I don’t think it is necessary for you to reveal the details about your conversations with your colleague, but nonetheless it is important for you to explain to your manager how your colleague’s behaviour is becoming increasingly intolerable and how in particular it is having a negative impact on your work.

You may feel disloyal by turning to a line manager in this way, but you do not deserve to be treated harshly just because someone has perhaps revealed too much. A person’s sexuality should not be a detrimental factor in the workplace and ironically your colleague’s treatment of you is indirectly holding your sexuality against you and therefore needs to stop.

Please note that letters to Ash are not received at the Law Society of Scotland. The Society offers a support service for trainees through its Registrar’s Department. For one-to-one advice contact Katie Wood, Manager in the Registrar’s Department on 0131 476 8105/8200, or KatieMeanley@lawscot.org.uk