Getting comfortable with vulnerability in the legal profession

For Mental Health Awareness Week, James McFarlane, legal counsel at NatWest Group and founding member of the Men's Wellbeing Group, discusses vulnerability, why solicitors are so bad at it and how we can all help make things easier for ourselves and others. Dispel some myths and find out what an 'it's ok to' document is below.

Mental Health Awareness Week is as good a time as any to talk about something the legal profession often struggles with: vulnerability. That feeling you get when you find something hard, you need support or are just generally struggling.

What do we mean by “vulnerability”?

Joe Hudson has one of my favourite definitions: vulnerability is “speaking the truth, even when it’s scary”. For me, this being able to be appropriately open (with yourself and with others) about what you’re feeling, what you need, and where you’re struggling.

The truth is, everyone feels vulnerable at some point. We all have rough patches, bad days, and moments where we’d really benefit from support. The reality is that is just part of being human. The real issue usually isn’t vulnerability itself. The issue arises when we avoid it.

Why is it so hard for lawyers?

Here are a few patterns I see a lot in our profession (and in myself):

• We compartmentalise well. We’re trained to put things in a box: focus on the facts, solve the client’s problem, keep feelings out of the analysis. That skill is useful in our jobs but not in our personal lives. In the short term it can feel easier to “just act fine”, but it rarely works out well in the long run. Trust me.

• Many of us have perfectionist tendencies. We can feel we need to present the most robust, collected, self-assured version of ourselves at all times. But being vulnerable means admitting you’re not perfect—and keeping up the “perfect” act is exhausting.

• We love being busy. It is usually the first thing you hear in any conversation with a lawyer when you ask “how are you getting on?”. "Busy” or “just working away” is the usual answer. But “busy” can also be an unhelpful coping mechanism (I’ve definitely used it) and will keep us distracted from dealing with any issues we are facing internally. When you do that, your inner struggles end up sitting at the bottom of the to-do list right next to the admin tasks you never quite get to.

And then there are some very practical barriers that make opening up harder than it sounds:

• Language. If you struggle to name your feelings (this was a big one for me growing up), it’s genuinely hard to express them.

• The “I don’t want to bother anyone” feeling. We don’t want to add to other people’s worries. That was also me (and sometimes still is).

• It’s just hard. Saying “I’m struggling” is difficult—no matter the scenario, seniority, or how supportive the people around you are.

Three myths about vulnerability (and why they don’t hold up)

Myth 1: “People don’t want to help—why would I ask?”

In reality, most people do want to help. It gives them a sense of purpose, and it can genuinely lift their mood. Letting someone support you is often a gift to them as well and it often opens the door for them to be vulnerable with you when they are struggling.

Myth 2: “If they know me well enough, they should just know I’m struggling.”

People usually can’t tell what is going on with you unless you tell them. Even if they think there is something off, they might avoid asking you. If you need something, you’ll often have to say so. And most people will try to help (see above).

Myth 3: “I’m the only one who feels like this.”

You’re not. One of the most comforting responses I hear at the Men’s Wellbeing Group (and say) is “me anaw”. One of the things I have learned the most whilst being part of the group is that there is nothing you think or feel that other people haven’t experiences. And that experience creates a special kind of bond. Showing vulnerability also creates that bond.

How can we make it easier?

• Create psychologically safe cultures. If we want people to be open, we have to make it safe to be open. That comes from everyday culture: leaders role-modelling honesty, owning mistakes and failures, listening well, and treating vulnerability as part of the job. This is what psychologically safe cultures look like. If you need a business case for creating that culture, multiple studies have shown that psychologically safe teams consistently outperform those that aren’t. Enjoying your time at work and feeling safe will naturally mean you are better at what you do. You have a safety net when you are struggling, which normally propels you forward.

• Create an “it’s okay to” document. One of my favourite things I saw when I joined my team at NatWest was the “it’s okay to” list. This was created by the team and shared so that people always knew what was okay. It includes simple statements like “it’s okay to”:

  • have days off

  • have off days

  • depend on the team and

  • ask for help.

• Go first. Vulnerability is contagious. When one person shows vulnerability, it  gives everyone else permission to be vulnerable too.

• Listen. When people open up, just listen. You don’t need to give the perfect advice. Often people just want to get their struggles out of their system. If you take the time to listen, people will really appreciate it.

• Open the door. If you suspect someone might be struggling, ask if they’re okay. Tell them you’re free to chat. Sometimes that’s all it takes to start an honest conversation.

• Remind people they’re valued even when they are not at their best. We spend so much time trying to improve (which is a good thing). However, it is also good to hear that you are doing well, even when you are not at your best. Our team start every week off with Monday successes, which is always a good way for the team to let others know what they have done well in the previous week. A little bit of recognition goes a long way.

Small, consistent behaviours like these matter far more than grand statements or one-off initiatives. And to be clear, I’m not perfect at any of the above.

Mental Health Awareness Week is a good reminder that legal work is demanding, and none of us are meant to cope alone.

Life is a team sport. If we can be a little more comfortable being vulnerable and a little quicker to ask, listen, and help, we can build a profession that’s resilient on the inside as well as the outside.

We spend a lot of our lives doing this work, so it’s worth making it a place where people can enjoy the good times and be supported in the bad.

James is legal counsel in NatWest Group’s Outsourcing, Technology and IP team. A founding member of the Men’s Wellbeing Group for the legal profession, he champions men’s mental health by nurturing meaningful connections, creating safe spaces, and embedding empathy across legal workplaces. As a LawCare Champion, Lawscot Wellbeing Champion and Lawscot Foundation mentor, James is committed to helping the profession grow in a positive, people-centred direction.